Agorophobia

Lately, I've become very familiar with three cinderblock walls and one plaster. The space between the widest part of the room isn't even long enough to fit my bed. The one window faces out into a parking lot. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, and my day-in and day-out is asphalt and chrome. The walls are beige and the carpet is grey. I can feel the hard concrete underneath if I stand on it barefoot for too long. I've memorized what the voices sound like outside my door, so I can avoid them when I need to go to the bathroom. The door is always closed. 

And I am a month and a half into college and it's only getting worse. I dread just opening the door. I worry about people looking at me as I walk down the hallway to the washing machine. I am simultaneously terrified to make friends and terrified of being alone. 

It's becoming harder to even do the simple things. I open my door just to close it right away. I decide that instead of going to the dining hall for breakfast, I'll just eat in my dorm. I rationalize it: "It's a shorter walk to Jonas than the Hive, and if I go to the Hive then I'll have to make the walk to Jonas and then back to the dorm." It's all bull. I feed myself lies that I don't believe. But I still eat them up. A spoon full of sugar and all that. 

My days are full of menial activities. Wake up. Go to class. Eat lunch in the dining hall alone. Go back to the dorm. Look at homework, but don't really do it. Turn on the TV to watch whatever mindless garbage I'm stuck on this week. Change into my pajamas. Get bored. Move to the floor and pretend to work on homework again. Always the same. Always. 

I put off things that are important until the very last minute and then berate myself for my stupidity. Again and again and again always the same stupid cycle. I have no one to blame but myself. So I do. 

But when the cycle repeats, when the door stays closed, how can anything change? How can I stop hating myself? How can I stop making excuses? How can I see past these four, beige walls?

How can leave my room if the door stays closed?